Why I find it hard to open up // RWT #1

As of today, I have decided that I am going to start a new series on my blog. It is unlike anything I have ever done before but I want to be more honest and open on my blog and so this new series should allow me to do that. Basically, RWT stands for Random Weekly Thoughts, however, I will not be making this a weekly series, I just plan to write these posts whenever I feel as though I have something on my mind that I want to share. I am definitely not an open person naturally but this is my blog and I want to reach out to my readers to see if there is anyone out there that can relate to anything I write. This is definitely going to be my new form of therapy from now on. 

Ironically though, I wanted to talk about why I struggle to open up to people whether that be through the internet, specifcally this blog or even in real life, to the people I would consider as my family and bestest friends. 

I guess I should clarify how I define 'open up', because sure, I tell my friends how my weekend went or if I am in a bad mood but the things I tend not to share are my own internal struggles whether that be my mental wellbeing or the pressure I am under. I am not writing this post to concern my friends because I am sure that some of them reading this and panicing that I am never okay and that I don't trust them, but in reality, it is my own battle that I am fighting.

Majoirty of the time, I have the intention of opening up to someone but once I have perfectly scripted how I am going to say it, my fears strikes and so I just don't end up saying it. I guess, one of the main reasons for this is because of my extreme lack of trust when it comes to people. Not to sound ungrateful or unreasonable but I can say that there is not one person in this world that I 100% trust and I put that down to my paranoia. Whenever I want to trust someone, there is just always something in the back of my mind telling me not to say it, not to trust them, and not to let them have the chance of knowing that part of me. Like I said earlier, it's an internal battle. I have so many people in my life that I want to trust because I know that they care for me but it is me that stops them from having that chance of proving so. Sure, in the past, I have trusted the wrong person with the wrong thing a few times, but over the smallest things like the guy I thought was cute in year 3 or the secret I promised I would tell a living soul to, but none of those incidents caused me not to trust anyone ever again. 

Linking in to my lack of trust, I also fear being betrayed. I guess you would never know until you try, but my brain doesn't work like that so I just choose not to share anything too personal or emotional in the first place because then I can never properly be betrayed. Sure I tell my closest friends and family part of the problem but there is not one person that knows the whole story, just the parts that I want them to know. However, I would never wish anyone to bottle things up like the way I do, because it can be so lonely. If I am having a bad day, I feel isolated as there is no one I can turn to because they just don't know everything and sometimes that makes it hard to tell them anything.

Most of the time, I would like to consider myself as a good listener. I love to listen to how people really feel and I love to help them in the best way I can, but ironically, I won't let someone do that for me. I wish I could tell you why, I guess I mostly feel like I am bothering them. Naturally, I am quite an independent person so I tend to deal with things on my own and opening up it no exception, I tend to just keep most things to myself. It is not always the case of 'bottling something up', because when something is really bothering me, you can usually see it written all over my face, but usually I just tell myself that what I am feeling is irrelevant and not important enought o share. 

I also fear being misunderstood. I fear someone not beliving what I say. I get scared that they are not actually listening. All of these things acculumlate into my tendency to just not share a lot of how I am really feeling. 

This was definitely a hard post for me to write but hopefully with writing this series, it will get a little easier. I also don't want this post to come across as me looking for attention because that is the last thing I want, I just want to document how I am really feeling. Opening up is something I plan to work on, I definitely want to be more trusting of people and hopefully I can put this in to practise soon. I would definitely be impressed if anyone has actually read all of this, but if you find that you feel similar to me, then please feel free to message me over any social media or email me and maybe we could help each other. 

Grace xx