I JUST FEEL SO LOST

Hello everyone, so this is a very spur of the moment post because everything got the better of me yesterday and I let myself get incredibly overwhelmed. I wanted to come on here and consolidate how I feel because right now, there isn't anyone in my life that I think can relate to this so I am reaching a little wider. I'm not really one to talk about things and so I guess this is my best form of communication when it comes to expressing my true feelings and worries. 

You'll all probably know this, but I am a very indecisive person. I struggle to chose what to do at the weekend, never mind what degree I should do or what career I should aspire to achieve. Anyway, so this has been overwhelming me for the last year I would say and that is the prospect of my future. I have never had a career goal, although I have had phases of wanting to be a singer, a writer, a fashion designer, a lawyer, nothing ever stuck and still nothing has. It only started to dawn on me about six months ago that everyone had a plan and that I didn't but only now has it started to get the better of me. 

I started year 13 with the intention of doing a maths degree. Just because I'm good at maths and find it sort-of interesting at times even though I knew that there was something in the back of my head telling me that I was not going to follow through with it. Anyway, so I applied, got the five of my offers and here I am, still not wanting to go. After watching people go to uni, seeing how they've changed and developed with their new experiences, seeing how others reacted to what they had returned like, I just never felt like it was for me. I am not a party animal or even a small socialiser to be completely honest and I am also very insecure about my academic abilities. Sixth form has been a huge challenge for me and I don't think people have noticed, but it has affected me massively in terms of my mental state and how I look after myself. It was sixth form that made me realise that I am done with education. Not that I'm not grateful for the education I have had, because I am, but that I am ready to call it quits. To finish my Alevels and not return to education, or to at least take a break. As much as uni would mean that I would be studying a subject that I find interesting, learning and education just doesn't fill me with as much fulfilment as it use to, at least that's how it feels. 

Anyway, so I've expressed this on many occasions but I was still playing with the idea of uni. My family and friends were struggling to understand what I wanted from my future because even I had no clue but about November time did the pressure really start to kick in. Maybe pressure isn't the best term for it, but it was just a lot of 'what are you doing come next September?', 'WHAT?!? You haven't decided yet?', 'I think you should do ...'. Even before all of this, I was already confused, so this only intensified the underlying anxiety I had over my future. I am also very much a people-pleaser, I have always done things to make my family proud, to make others happy and as much as that has got me through the majority of my life, there is a time when I can't just keep doing that, and that has started now. Although I could just do something safe and something that my parents want me to do, I no longer want to push myself into a corner, because I did that after GCSEs and I still face those repercussions now. But I was also getting mixed feelings from everyone else in my life, people who can't say enough good things about university and how it is essential, but also how university is a waste of money and how apprenticeships are the best route to take. I just didn't know where I stood on the topic, and I still don't now. 

Come December, all of my friends in school knew what they were doing. Most of them had their offers and they were just waiting to take the next stages in their life meanwhile I was still trying to make my mind up. After having countless conversations with about one hundred different people, I still couldn't see myself at university like the rest of my friends saw themselves. Although my parents were persuaded at parents evening that a maths degree was the best next-stage for me, I just wasn't convinced and so I still remained in this unknowing state. 

That brings us to yesterday (22/01/2020). I went to a careers convention my school was hosting. I had been to one previously and although I wasn't too keen on attending this one, my mum insisted, so I went. I was waiting for something to just hit me, for someone to talk to me and say 'you were made to do this' but nothing came. After frustrating conversations with many different people, I left the evening feeling empty and hopeless. Returning back to the car, my dad was asking how everything went and whether there was any hope and I just broke down. For some reason, I just completely shattered in front of my parents, which doesn't really happen and so it must have been difficult for them to see. Although it wasn't just about the future and my anxiety surrounding it, it just happened to be triggered by just that. With Alevels slowly approaching, my insecurities getting the better of me and just generally not feeling the best in myself, I just collapsed. 

I felt so lost, so empty and like there was no hope for me. Without sounding too intense, I never thought I'd make it to here, never mind what I will be doing in five years and so I found the whole thing overwhelming. I also hated myself though, I hated myself for not knowing, for dragging everyone through this with me, for not making a decision and it had been eating away at me for months. 

I still feel all those things now. I hate that I don't know what I want from life or what is ever going to bring me happiness. I feel awful about the fact that I can't answer people when they say, 'what are your plans for September?'. I feel embarrassed that everyone else has a future path right in front of them and I don't. I hate that I am going to disappoint people with whatever decision I make. It is something I am trying to cope with now though. After talking to my parents, I am just going to take each day as it comes. I'm just going to focus on my exams and think about what follows at a later date. That's not to say that I am still not frustrated, or anxious, or disappointed, I'm just trying to cope with it now. 

This was just a very authentic post on how I'm feeling right now, but I am just glad to get it out. I know I haven't been very good on here or my Instagram, like I said I would, but I am really trying to just get by. Thank you to anyone who has read this the whole way through, even if you don't relate, it matters to me that you cared enough to read it. I don't know what the future holds for me or how I'm going to feel when I wake up tomorrow but I'm just trying to get better.

Thanks

Grace xx

BEST OF BEAUTY 2020

Although we are quite a few weeks into January, I still wanted to reel off the beauty products that I loved in 2019. All of these products, I will be taking into 2020 with me and hopefully loving them just as much as I did last year. 

Inecto Shampoo & Conditioner

I have spoken about these for quite a while now, but they were definitely a big love throughout 2019. This is my second set of the Inecto shampoo and conditions, but I believe that I will still continue to repurchase them until I find something just as good. These were the first proper cruelty-free hair products that I really loved and they come at such an affordable price that there is nothing to love about them. Like I said, I will continue to love these for a very long time and I encourage anyone to give these a go.

Soft & Gentle Deodorant

Another random beauty bit again, but Soft & Gentle were the first cruelty-free deodorant I had ever found and I love everything that it does. It is cheap and it does the job which is all I really need, and I have also repurchased this over and over again throughout 2019. My favourite scent is definitely the watermelon one, but yeah, these are great and I can't imagine myself buying from another brand anymore. 

Palmer's Coconut Butter

In terms of body products, I have really loved this all throughout the year. It is definitely such an incredible body butter, it is super hydrating and is good to just help nourish the skin. I love using this after a shower as it does such a good job and the smell is also to die for. This bottle has last me so long and I'm sure I will repurchase it after this one has ran out. I would definitely recommend this to anyone with super dry skin, as this one does such a good job at making your skin so hydrated and smooth. 

Superdrug Naturally Radiant Glycolic Overnight Peel

This is my standout skincare product of the year just because I love the way it makes my skin feel. I had never tried anything like this until last year but it pleasantly surprised me. You apply this a couple of days a week instead of a moisturiser and you sleep with it on, when you wake up, you sort of do your normal skincare routine but the peel makes your skin so soft. I love the glow this gives my skin also, as the name would suggest, it does give you a natural radiance, but the smoothing effect the peel has is my favourite thing. Especially when I know I will be wearing makeup in the morning, this is such a good step in my skincare routine the night previous just to help the application of my makeup.  

Hard Candy 12 Hr Hydrating Primer

Perhaps my favourite drugstore primer that I have ever come across and it has definitely been well-loved throughout the year. I love this because of how hydrating it is and when it's on the skin, it makes you look so luminous the glow remains even after foundation and power. It is also nice that it has a tacky feel once it has settled on the skin, which really does just allow the products to really adhere to the skin. 

Elf 16Hr Camo Concealer

I tried this concealer this year and it is incredible. There are so many drugstore concealers that I have loved this year, but this one is so incredible and I have definitely fallen in love with it this year. This was my holiday concealer this year and it did such a good job of lasting on the skin. I also think that they have a really good shade range and hopefully, I will be picking up a few more of this formula, so that I can have one for all year round. Throughout the year, I have also used this as a foundation and it still does a great job in that sense. The coverage is definitely medium to full, but I haven't found it to crease and it lasts so long. It's definitely up there with one of the best drugstore concealers. 

Revolution Pro Foundation Stick

As much as I would love to try this as a foundation stick, I do really love using it for contour. I am not always for cream contour if I am looking for something more lightweight and quick but for when I want to go full glam, cream contour is a must. This blends like a dream and the colour is amazing for contouring, but I would still like to try and pick this up in my foundation colour just to see what it's like.  However, I've used this loads last year and it definitely made my makeup experience loads better. 

Natural Collection Mattifying Pressed Powder in Translucent

2019 was the year I rediscovered this power and I am so glad I did. As simple as it is, it does all I need it to do. I can use this to set my undereye, my eyeshadow primer or just my entire face and it just does the right job. It mattifies without making my skin feel super dry and it does generally make my makeup last longer.

Ofra Highlighter in Rodeo Drive

I can't say I've been highlighter obsessed this year but this one stands out as the one I've gravitated towards the most this year. It is definitely my bold highlighter of choice just because of how pigmented it is and the glow it gives my skin is unreal. I love this though because of its colour, I can wear it when I'm pale or when I'm more tanned and so it is just so versatile and an essential in my makeup bag. 

Physicians Formula Butter Bronzer

Once again, I haven't really tried very many bronzers this year but as for the one that I have used and loved the most, this one definitely stands out to me. It applies like a dream but I mainly love it because of its colour, it is so subtle and just gives my skin some shape and dimension without it ever turning muddy. Definitely out of the drugstore bronzers I own, this is up there with one of the best. 

MUA Matte Essentials Eye Shadow Palette

I definitely rediscovered this little gem this year but for a different reason than what I had initially purchased it for. From jumping between pomades, pencils and powders, when it comes to defining my eyebrows, I have just found that I prefer them best when they are filled out with power. I just feel like with powder, I get the most natural finish and I am also able to control the opacity a lot more, so that is what I have started using this palette for. I still use it now every time I do my makeup because the shades work perfectly for me. It is definitely going to be the sort of thing that I repurchase just because of how useful it is to have in my collection and I would definitely recommend it to anyone that just needs a palette filled with all of the essential colours. 

Zoeeva Blanc Fusion Palette

My final product that I have to mention today is this palette. I have loved this to bits this year, mainly for its simplicity. In 2019, I did discover Zoeeva and having three of their eyeshadow palettes, I have really been able to test and trial the formula, but when it came to picking my favouite palette, this one stood out the most. I love this, once again, because of how basic the shades are. The amount of mattes just make it so easy for me to do a whole look with just this one palette, yet there is still chances for me to add a bit of colour and a bit of depth which I love. It is definitely my travel palette of choice and the formula is just amazing to work with. 

I'd love to know any beauty products you think that I should try in 2020!

Grace xx

BOOKS I NEED TO READ IN 2020

Looking back at last years TBR, I realised that I actually didn't read very many of them, but I am going to be a little stricter this year as there are so many books that I really need to expose myself to. One of my Christmas presents last year was also a kindle and so I am so excited to finally widen my reading experience by being able to just order and read anything I fancy. It should also make it easier for me to read more as I can transport my kindle much easier than a paperback. Either way, I have eight books in this post that I need to read in 2020 and get them ticked off. 

TO ALL THE BOYS I'VE LOVED BEFORE - JENNY HAN

Can you believe that I am still yet to read this entire series? well neither can I. I guess I just haven't been in the mood to start it, but I think that it is going to make the perfect summer romance read this year, especially with the second film coming out very soon. 

THE CRUEL PRINCE - HOLLY BLACK

I have already started reading this and I am so glad I decided to pick it up. Last year, I really discovered a love for fantasy and so this is one of the most recent, hyped-up series that I immediately added to my wishlist. This is the start of another series that I am very keen to read this year, but I'm obviously starting at the beginning. So far, I'm definitely loving it, and fingers crossed I will have finished it in the next few days.

WUTHERING HEIGHTS - EMILY BRONTE

This is a classic I have wanted to read for so long, it is just one that appears so frequently as a reference in others book and films, I just feel like I need to read it. Not that I know too much about the story, but from what I've heard, it's a bit of a romance and so I think it is going to be something that I really enjoy. I actually do already own a very beautiful copy of this book and so I really want to annotate it too.

HARRY POTTER - J. K. ROWLING

Last year, I started out making a really big effort in reading the entire Harry Potter series for the first time and although I didn't finish them all in 2019, I still want to complete the series. I have only got three books left so I really should have the enttire series ticked off early this year, but I won't lie, the sizes are starting to intimedate me slightly. Either way, I do plan on drawing a line under this series and finally being able to say that I have read it. 

THE BOOK THIEF - MARKUS ZUSAK

I have heard so many incredible things about this book and I just feel like it is one you have got to read in your lifetime. Obviously, this book is set in Nazi Germany during the Second World War, but I don't really know much else, however, I am intruiged to see what happens in the book. I feel like it is going to be very hard-hitting, but it is a book that I really want to expose myseld to.

THE HANDMAID'S TALE - MARGRET ATTWOOD

There has been so much hype about this book for the last fews years now and obviously the sequel came out in 2019, so that has been giving the orginial book more attention too, but I have just never read it. A lot of my friends have read it and have really enjoyed the story so I am really hoping that I feel the same way. I guess I am intimidated by the fact that it is a sci-fi and when it comes to undertsanding classics, I am not the best, but I want to try new things this year and just challenge myself. 

ON THE COME UP - ANGIE THOMAS

Kind of a random YA novel now, but I read The Hate You Give last January and I absalutely loved it. Although this book has been out for quite a while now, I have just never gone to buy the physical copy. Like I said earlier though, I did get a Kindle for Christmas this year which means that I get to buy it instantly and just read it straight away which I think is so great. It is definitely going to make so many more books so accessible to me and this is definitely one that I want to buy first. 

DEFY ME - TAHERAH MAFI

Everyone knows that I am so endelved in the Shatter Me series and this is the second to last book in the entire series. The very final book comes out at the end of March this year and so I want to read Defy Me around that time so that I am prepared for the ending. However, I really don't want this story to end, it means so much to me and I adore everything about it. There is definitely going to be a lot of tears in the end and I will probably go into a bit of a slump following it as nothing has beaten this series so far.

I'd love to know some of your book recommendations in the comments below!

Grace xx

20 THINGS I WANT TO DO IN 2020

If you haven't seen my previous 2020 related blog post, then I will link it here, but it simply discussed some of habits and ideas that I wanted to put into practice throughout 2020. In this post, I wanted it to be a little more random, and a bit more like a bucket list. There are things in this post that are small things and a few more that are a little more serious, however, they are all things that I want to do for myself in 2020. 

LEAVE FULL-TIME EDUCATION

This one is pretty inevitable as I am in my final year of sixth form and I will be leaving year 13 one way or another in May but it is something that I am looking forward to doing. Not that I am excited for the prospect of growing up and making some very serious decisions, but I will be excited to see the back of full-time education. My sixth form journey has definitely been a rollercoaster, to say the least, and so I don't think I will associate it as being a particularly positive time in my life, however, I do think it that by leaving sixth form, it offers me with a perfect opportunity for a fresh start and a time to start developing new goals and dreams.

SIT A-LEVEL EXAMS

Another point that is pretty inevitable as I am basically already signed up to sit these exams in a couple of months, but I want to do well. I have been preparing for these exams for at least 18 months now and that's just the curriculum. A-Levels is such an important part in modern education as it can determine so many things and so I really want to take the opportunity and give it my best. I don't think I will ever feel ready for what I am going to be faced with but I want to tick it off and walk away from the exams knowing that I've done my best. 

JOIN A CLUB/ DEVELOP A NEW HOBBY

I have been saying this for a while, but I'd love to learn something new. Something that I can attend to once a week or whatever and feel like part of a community. Not that I have any idea what it is going to be in yet, but I definitely want to push myself to learn new things and to meet new people. For a while now, I have been all hands-on with education, it has been years since I attended an after-school activity or hobby, but I want to change that and commit myself to something that I really enjoy. 

READ 25 BOOKS

Unfortunately, I actually failed 2019's reading challenge of reading 24 books but I am putting it down to exam season and year 13. Although I will be sitting exams this year, I will also have a ridiculously long holiday to fill my time with whatever I please, and so, right now, I plan to read the books collecting dust on my shelves. There are so many books that I am keen to read, which I may do a post about soon, but I just want the chance to really sink my teeth into all of them, and so hopefully I will achieve that this year. 25 isn't a lot to some people, but I am a very slow reader at times and so I think that 2 books a month is a reasonable goal. 

TRAVEL SOMEWHERE NEW

I am so desperate to go on a holiday this year, after I finish my exams, and I'd love it to go somewhere completely unlike anywhere I have ever been to before. Right now I have a few places that I'd love to go to, so hopefully, I get something organised. I don't even mean abroad particularly, I haven't travelled to most of the UK and so I think that would be a good place to start. 

GO ON A NIGHT OUT

2020 is the year I turn 18 and so I would really like to just go on a night out. I'm not the sort of person to grab a fake ID, if I want to go out, I want to do it properly, with my friends and just have a really good time. 

SECURE A JOB

This one could either be really straight forward or really difficult depending on how well my current job goes. I love where I currently work and I am so grateful that I have been given the chance to work there, but I am still on probation and so fingers crossed, this year they will officially make me a permanent member of staff there. If not, then they will let me go and I would need to find another job, but right now, I am thinking positively.

TAKE A COURSE IN SOMETHING I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT

I guess this one could go hand in hand with starting a new hobby, but I wouldn't be mad if they were in two completely different things either. There are so many courses available these days whether they are free ones online or physical ones at a college, but I would really like to do one this year. I am still so undecided about what I am going to do in the future and so I would really love to try out a few interests of mine, and I think a really good way to grow one of my interests would be by taking a course. It is something that I do plan to document and share on my blog so I'm sure you will find out if and when I do a course. 

ORGANISE AN EVENT

This one is actually in the works right now and hopefully, in the next couple of weeks, I will be able to share all of the details with you, but I am just really excited. I don't want to say too much, but I love organising and I have always wanted to do something myself, and I feel like I have really had that opportunity already this year, with the help of a few family members, so I am super excited to share the whole experience. 

SELL A PIECE OF ART

Definitely more of an ambitious goal for 2020, but why not take on the challenge? I love art and so it would be an absolute dream of mine to sell something I have created. Just one thing would be enough for me right now and it would be such a massive achievement of mine, but we will see how the year plans out. This one could either go one of two ways. 

ATTEND ANOTHER FOOTBALL MATCH

At the end of 2019, I attended my first ever football match and so I kind of have the bug now of just wanting to go there all the time and get that buzz back. It is definitely more of an unpredictable one as you really do have to touch lucky when it comes to getting football match tickets, especially if it's a Premier League match or Champion's League match, but I am going to keep my fingers crossed. 

GO ICE SKATING

I have wanted to do this for years now as I haven't been for so long but every time I plan to do it over the Christmas period, I either chicken out or just get too busy. This year is the year though that I just tick it off because I love ice skating and it's just such a fun day out so although it is something small, I really want to do it this year. 

ATTEND A DANCE CLASS

You may or may not know this, but I was a massive dancer growing up, I was obsessed with it. A few years ago though, I quit the dance school I was attending due to a couple of things and never brought it back up, but it is something I really want to get back into. I don't like the idea of dancing weekly, I want to dance for the fun of it not because it is part of a weekly schedule, and so I think open classes is the best way around this for me. I guess I just need to build up the courage to actually go as the concept frightens me but I really want to do it at the same time. 

BOOK MY OWN HOLIDAY

Linked to travelling somewhere new, but I would like to organise something independently this year. Growing up, my parents have always booked my holidays and so I would love to just learn it for myself. I would love to travel a lot when I'm older and so I would just like to get into the habit of booking something myself now. I am definitely not saying that I won't need help, but I would like to arrange and plan my own holiday this year and just learn everything as I go along. 

BUY MYSELF SOMETHING DESIGNER

I wouldn't say that I am massively materialistic, but I do love a good designer piece every once and a while but most of my designer pieces were gifts, which I am so grateful for, but I would love to buy myself something luxurious this year. For the first time, I am earning a good amount of money from my job and so I would really like to spend it wisely. I have always dreamed of buying myself something luxurious just to say that I saved up for that and so I can feel proud of myself. It isn't something for everyone, but it is just something I would like to do for myself this year. 

RUN A 5K

This one is also in the works as I have already signed up for it a couple of days ago, but that doesn't mean I am prepared one bit. I haven't been to the gym in about six months and even when I was attending the gym, running has never been my strong point. However, I really want to work on my running this year and enjoy my fitness journey, but because I have a goal now and something to work towards, I think it will just make me more committed to the goal. 

DONATE BLOOD

I have always wanted to do this and for years I have meant to do it but just never got around to it, but I think it is really important and something I would like to do. 

DO A 24HR READATHON

This is very random, but like I said earlier, there are a lot of books that I want to read and hopefully, around the middle of this year, I will have a lot of spare time so I would love to just dedicate a whole day to reading. I have been meaning to do this for a long time but I have just never had the time to do it, but this year I want to get around to ticking this off the list. 

I'd love to know if you guys have any bucket list ideas that you'd like to tick off this year!

Grace xx

WHAT I WANT TO PRACTICE IN 2020

I understand that people don't like to make resolutions, because who really sticks to them for the entire year? Nobody! However, a new year is the perfect opporunity to gain a fresh start, to feel motivated and to start putting new things into practice. Personally, I love the prospect of a new year, it makes me so inspired and excited for what the rest of the year entails. What I wanted to share in this post aren't resolutions but they are more, vague ideals that I want to practice in the year 2020. If I don't practice these in one of the days or one of the weeks in 2020, it isn't the end of the world, I just want to look back at the year and feel as though I have improved on these specific areas. 

BE MORE ACTIVE ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Although I am constantly on social media, scrolling through everybody else's content, I don't feel like I produce enough of my own. This falls under all aspects, my blog, instagram, twitter, all of them and that is something I'd like to work on. I love it when I share what I get up to on social media, but I can get into such a habit of leaving it a couple of days which then goes into weeks and sometimes even months. It is just really easy for me to fall silent and then I don't know how to get that back, but I am really going to try and stay active but also not to feel deflated if I don't post. 

MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT IN SEEING PEOPLE

I love it when I get to visit friends and family that I haven't seen in months, because it can be exactly what you need sometimes and I really want to do that more in 2020. It is a bad habit of mine, but I tend to just sit back and wait for someone to get into contact with me but this year, I really want to be more proactive and reach out to people. 

BE MORE INDEPENDENT

I'd like to think that for my age I am pretty independent but it is always something I'm working on. There are still certain scenarios where I depend on people, one of the main ones being driving. I get so anxious and worked-up when it comes to driving some places on my own, without any guidance and I feel like it has restricted me in the past, but I really want to try and get out of the habit. I'm also going to try and work on thinking more independently. I care so much about what the people around me think and what they want for me, but I need to start thinking for myself and being okay with that too. 

BE DECISIVE

I am the worst decision maker ever! From picking restuarants, to gift ideas, to chosing career paths, I'm actually the worst. This year though is very big for me in terms of deciding my next steps after ALevels and there are so many potential ideas in my head right now, but I need to make a decision and pretty quickly. I really just want to go with my gut and chose something that I know I'm going to love, while also just commiting to it and not regretting the decision. 

LEARN TO LOVE FITNESS AGAIN

Due to how busy I was last year, I never really went the gym consistently and so my fitness levels really fell. Everytime I tried to pick it back up, something would just come in the way and I just wasn't commited to making it work. This year though, I really want to feel that excitement and joy out of going the gym. Back when I use to go the gym three or four times a week, I was so happy mentally and I just felt so good about the body I was in. Although I am very content with the way I look now, I would just love to get the feeling back of having had a really good workout.

LIVE MORE SUSTAINABLY

I'm saying this very lightly, but every little helps and that is what I want to practice. Just cut out single use products as much as possible, shop second hand for clothing, try and buy things with minimal packaging. These are things I have put into practice over the last few months of 2019, but it remains as something that I still want to work on. 

SAVE UP MONEY

I am very fortunate to have a very good job currently, and so, I want to make a greater effort this year to save my money. 2019, I was pretty good at not spending excessive sums of money on things that I really didn't need. The last half of 2019 probably contained a handful of purchases for myself and so I want to remain like that and not buy things unless I really need/ want them. Hopefully, I will be opening up a savings account and just start to save my money so that I can put it towards some bigger purchases in the future. 

DEVELOP GOOD MENTAL HABITS

Last year, I really struggled with my mental health and although I'm in a pretty good place at the moment, I want to practice positive mental habits just to help almost prevent some unnecessary low moments. I want to think more positively and I want to have a better relationship with myself just to help how I cope with my mental health. 

SAYING YES TO NEW THINGS

I am always the first person to say no to anything that makes me feel remotely out of my comfrot zone and I really want to change that in 2020. Saying yes to new things would just mean new experience for myself and they have the potential to teach me something about myself. I want to go out more and not cancel, I want to try something new and not chicken out, so fingers crossed 2020 gives me the opportunity to try some new things. 

DOCUMENT MEMORIES IN A SCRAPBOOK

For years I have wanted to make a scrapbook but the execution has just been poor, but I am making sure that this year, I not only take the pictures, but I document them in something I can keep with me forever. I feel like just scrapbooking is going to become so theraputic for me and I am going to make a super concious effort this year to make sure that I actually get it done!

I'd love to know if there is anything you'd like to practice in 2020. This is our year!

Grace xx

2019 - 11 HIGHLIGHTS

Happy new year everyone! 2019 has now been and gone, but I wanted to post this today just to celebrate some of the things I achieved last year but also some of my favourite moments. Last year was filled with many challenges for myself and it definitely had its low moments, but it was also a year that I achieved many milestones and for that reason, I'll remember 2019 forever. I'm going to keep this post short and sweet, so hopefully, you enjoy looking back at the year with me. 

CUT MY HAIR

At the beginning of 2019, I was really struggling mentally, which I feel like you can tell when you look back at some of my older posts. I was very much trying to find a purpose and place for myself, which resulted in me making some random, impulsive decisions like cutting my hair. Many of you probably don't know this, but as a child, I cut all of my hair off and so I had a very short bob for a very long time. My hair never returned to its old length but since cutting my hair, I always regretted it as I wanted long hair, but I'd been thinking of cutting it for a while. When it comes to styling my hair, I am so lazy with it and so my mindset was, that if I cut my hair, it would become easier to style and more managable, so I bit the bullet and got it done. Perhaps one of the best decisions ever because I look back at pictures of myself with long hair and I realise now that it just wasn't me. I love how I look with shorter hair, and like everyone, I go through phases with it, but I don't regret it at all. Even though it was something so simple, I really feel like it offered me so much confidence and purpose. 

HERE COME THE BOYS

For those who don't know, I use to be obsessed with dancing and although I don't attend classes anymore,  I still dance now and then because it is something that will never leave me. I still have a huge admiration for dance though and so when some of the Strictly boys were doing a tour, my mum and I snatched up some tickets. It was definitely such a cool and unique show, it is something I could watch on repeat. What made it such a special evening for me though was just the way it inspired and motivated me. I left the show feeling so creatively inspired and it is still something I look back at now when I lack that motivation.

AS FURTHER MATHS EXAM

This exam was definitely not a highlight at the time, but it really is true when they say that hard work pays off. Choosing to do Further Maths ALevel was a very spontaneous decision but it was also a big jump for myself personally. Although I have always felt out of depth in terms of my academic ability, I feel like Further Maths has offered me that confidence and ability to really be proud of myself. The AS exam itself was actually awful, it was so insanely difficult and mentally, it was challenging. It felt like the weeks of preparation I'd done beforehand didn't pay off and that I'd be left with a disappointing result. However, months later when I got my results, turns out all of that hard work was worth it and I got the top grade. It was definitely an exam experience completely different to GCSEs and just that relief and ability to really feel proud of myself made it such a memorable achievement of 2019. 

GOT MY FIRST JOB

Getting my first job was one of the top priorities of 2019 and to start 2020 with a new and exciting job is amazing. Even in the first months of 2019, I was constantly applying for jobs, I got a few interviews, but I was never offered any positions until the end of June when I applied for a hospitality role and I got it. My jobs in hospitality were definitely nothing like I had anticipated but they were such a huge milestone for me and I learnt so much from the experience. Having a job and that responsibility taught me so much, it gave me confidence and it put me in new scenarios that were completely out of my comfort zone. I am so glad I can leave 2019 with that experience and having that ticked off of the list. 

FUERTEVENTURA

The first out of two amazing holidays I was lucky enough to have in 2019. This was my family's first holiday to Europe in over 10 years and it was incredible. It was so fun to discover a new place and experience new things with my family this year. I also loved this holiday as I was really able to create some good content for my blog and Instagram which is something I always aim to do, but struggle to actually pursue. It was this point in the year where I really started to fall into myself again and I started to feel excited about the future so that just made the holiday even more memorable and enjoyable. 

PASSED MY DRIVING TEST

Perhaps one of the biggest challenges I faced this year was driving. I didn't have the best relationship with driving, at times it gave me a lot of anxiety and frustration, but I kept going and now I can say that I can legally drive which is incredible. My driving test experience was definitely challenging, I passed on my third time and having gone through those two fails this year, it really taught me a lot about myself and also somethings that I would like to change about myself in terms of coping with failures. Mentally going through the driving experience was tough and at the time, I had lost all hope, but now that I am out of that, I am so much more understanding and confident. To have had the opportunity of driving at 17 and now having my own car, it is the most incredible thing and I am so insanely grateful so that experience this year. 

ABU DHABI

As for my second holiday of the year, it was completely magical. I love Abu Dhabi as a place and this time around I got to have so many more new experiences shared with my family. It was so special to just have that time with my family away from school and work to just relax. 

APPLIED TO UNIVERSITY

Another huge milestone was biting the bullet and applying to university. It was definitely a challenging process due to me being insanely paranoid and indecisive, but I am confident in my decision and I am so proud of myself for having just done it. I don't know if university is for me, but I just wanted to know if I'd get in and now I can say that I've done it, with all five university offers. It is such an exciting prospect and I don't know what 2020 is going to hold but I am excited.

REX ORANGE COUNTY LIVE

Seeing Rex Orange County live was such an incredible experience. I have wanted to see him live for so long and he absolutely smashed it, it was everything I could have wanted and more. Rex Orange County's music is just so special to me and to now have that ticked off of my bucket list is so exciting. 

WENT TO MY FIRST FOOTBALL MATCH

2019 saw me become a huge Liverpool supporter. Although growing up with reds and blues, I never really watched or appreciated football, but something clicked this year and I just started to tune into the football. Liverpool won the Champions League this year and I can now say that I watched that unravel, which is something that will stay with me forever. I became a huge fan, tuning into every match, keeping up with the players' lives and just becoming part of the community which is the best part of this experience. I now know what people mean when they say how being apart of a football club is like being in a massive family, because it is a community unlike anything else. I got my first Liverpool top this year, but most importantly, I went to my first ever football match. Although it was the Liverpool vs Watford match in the middle of December, just being there was so special and to have shared it with my brother also was just amazing. 

MICHAEL BUBLE LIVE

Finally, another person which I have been able to tick off the bucket list is Michael Buble. He is up there with one of the best concerts I have ever seen. His show was unique and unlike anything else, I laughed and cried, but it was such an incredible show and I feel so lucky to have been there. 

2019 was definitely a huge year, and I hope 2020 is filled with many more milestones and achievements, as well as awsome new memories shared with some very special people. In the next couple of days, I will have some posts up about what 2020 entails for me, so keep an eye out for those. Here's to 2020!

Grace xx