Hello everyone, so this is a very spur of the moment post because everything got the better of me yesterday and I let myself get incredibly overwhelmed. I wanted to come on here and consolidate how I feel because right now, there isn't anyone in my life that I think can relate to this so I am reaching a little wider. I'm not really one to talk about things and so I guess this is my best form of communication when it comes to expressing my true feelings and worries.
You'll all probably know this, but I am a very indecisive person. I struggle to chose what to do at the weekend, never mind what degree I should do or what career I should aspire to achieve. Anyway, so this has been overwhelming me for the last year I would say and that is the prospect of my future. I have never had a career goal, although I have had phases of wanting to be a singer, a writer, a fashion designer, a lawyer, nothing ever stuck and still nothing has. It only started to dawn on me about six months ago that everyone had a plan and that I didn't but only now has it started to get the better of me.
I started year 13 with the intention of doing a maths degree. Just because I'm good at maths and find it sort-of interesting at times even though I knew that there was something in the back of my head telling me that I was not going to follow through with it. Anyway, so I applied, got the five of my offers and here I am, still not wanting to go. After watching people go to uni, seeing how they've changed and developed with their new experiences, seeing how others reacted to what they had returned like, I just never felt like it was for me. I am not a party animal or even a small socialiser to be completely honest and I am also very insecure about my academic abilities. Sixth form has been a huge challenge for me and I don't think people have noticed, but it has affected me massively in terms of my mental state and how I look after myself. It was sixth form that made me realise that I am done with education. Not that I'm not grateful for the education I have had, because I am, but that I am ready to call it quits. To finish my Alevels and not return to education, or to at least take a break. As much as uni would mean that I would be studying a subject that I find interesting, learning and education just doesn't fill me with as much fulfilment as it use to, at least that's how it feels.
Anyway, so I've expressed this on many occasions but I was still playing with the idea of uni. My family and friends were struggling to understand what I wanted from my future because even I had no clue but about November time did the pressure really start to kick in. Maybe pressure isn't the best term for it, but it was just a lot of 'what are you doing come next September?', 'WHAT?!? You haven't decided yet?', 'I think you should do ...'. Even before all of this, I was already confused, so this only intensified the underlying anxiety I had over my future. I am also very much a people-pleaser, I have always done things to make my family proud, to make others happy and as much as that has got me through the majority of my life, there is a time when I can't just keep doing that, and that has started now. Although I could just do something safe and something that my parents want me to do, I no longer want to push myself into a corner, because I did that after GCSEs and I still face those repercussions now. But I was also getting mixed feelings from everyone else in my life, people who can't say enough good things about university and how it is essential, but also how university is a waste of money and how apprenticeships are the best route to take. I just didn't know where I stood on the topic, and I still don't now.
Come December, all of my friends in school knew what they were doing. Most of them had their offers and they were just waiting to take the next stages in their life meanwhile I was still trying to make my mind up. After having countless conversations with about one hundred different people, I still couldn't see myself at university like the rest of my friends saw themselves. Although my parents were persuaded at parents evening that a maths degree was the best next-stage for me, I just wasn't convinced and so I still remained in this unknowing state.
That brings us to yesterday (22/01/2020). I went to a careers convention my school was hosting. I had been to one previously and although I wasn't too keen on attending this one, my mum insisted, so I went. I was waiting for something to just hit me, for someone to talk to me and say 'you were made to do this' but nothing came. After frustrating conversations with many different people, I left the evening feeling empty and hopeless. Returning back to the car, my dad was asking how everything went and whether there was any hope and I just broke down. For some reason, I just completely shattered in front of my parents, which doesn't really happen and so it must have been difficult for them to see. Although it wasn't just about the future and my anxiety surrounding it, it just happened to be triggered by just that. With Alevels slowly approaching, my insecurities getting the better of me and just generally not feeling the best in myself, I just collapsed.
I felt so lost, so empty and like there was no hope for me. Without sounding too intense, I never thought I'd make it to here, never mind what I will be doing in five years and so I found the whole thing overwhelming. I also hated myself though, I hated myself for not knowing, for dragging everyone through this with me, for not making a decision and it had been eating away at me for months.
I still feel all those things now. I hate that I don't know what I want from life or what is ever going to bring me happiness. I feel awful about the fact that I can't answer people when they say, 'what are your plans for September?'. I feel embarrassed that everyone else has a future path right in front of them and I don't. I hate that I am going to disappoint people with whatever decision I make. It is something I am trying to cope with now though. After talking to my parents, I am just going to take each day as it comes. I'm just going to focus on my exams and think about what follows at a later date. That's not to say that I am still not frustrated, or anxious, or disappointed, I'm just trying to cope with it now.
This was just a very authentic post on how I'm feeling right now, but I am just glad to get it out. I know I haven't been very good on here or my Instagram, like I said I would, but I am really trying to just get by. Thank you to anyone who has read this the whole way through, even if you don't relate, it matters to me that you cared enough to read it. I don't know what the future holds for me or how I'm going to feel when I wake up tomorrow but I'm just trying to get better.
Thanks
Grace xx
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