Okay, so I feel like I am constantly doing these post where I try and justify why I've not blogged for a few weeks, but that's what I'm doing again today. I also wanted to touch on my own mental health right now and where it is at. This post isn't for attention or sympathy, it isn't for anyone to pity me, I just want people to understand where I've been and how I'm doing.
I've approximately got three weeks left of year 12 and then that is me done for the academic year. My life seems to mainly revolve around school at the moment, not because I want it to, necesarily, but because I'm not really up to much outside of it. This honestly makes me quite nervous for summer, because although I have got school work to do over the six weeks, I don't want it to be the only thing that I end up doing. Between end of year exams and chats about university, it is safe to say that I don't feel prepared for the intensity of year 13 come September. I don't want to promise anything, but I have got a few blog post ideas revolving around university and my plans for after sixth form, so I'm just going to leave that there.
Like I said, I don't seem to do anything outside of sixth form and I'm now trying really hard to change that. Over the past few weeks, it has definitely started to hit me that I feel very unaccomplished and disappointed in myself in terms of everything outside of education. I feel like I have distanced myself from people I care about, I feel like I am not growing as a person and I feel like I haven't made many memories this year. Although it is never too late to change that, I'm struggling to solve these problems as I have built some really bad habits in the meantime such as cancelling last minute, overthinking every possible scenario and being very closed off to everyone basically. If anyone understands what I mean, I would love any advice you've got to offer as I really think that this is going to worsen my mental state if I don't do anything about that.
Leading on from that, the way I'm isolating myself right now is really not good for me mentally, but because of these habits, I'm struggling to improve the way I feel. The best way I can explain it without getting super triggering or emotional is just feeling super isolated, lonely and more than anything, not human. It sounds ridiculous to some, but sometimes I literally don't feel real, I catch myself not feeling anything or wanting to do anything. This is what's affecting me the most right now. Like everything else, some days are better than others and that's what I'm holding onto right now.
I feel like there are going to be some people who are reading this, who are close to me in my personal life and are wondering where this has all came from. For as long as I can remember, I have never been able to open up or talk about how I'm really feeling which is perhaps the worst of all of my bad habits and to be honest, I don't even know where to begin in fixing it. I've been close to 'breaking down my walls' but everytime I seem to do so something happens where I put them up quicker than I took them down. This has generally made it really easy for me to hide how I'm really feeling, I find it really easy to just smile and fake it in front of people so that when people ask me how I'm doing I just nod and say 'great'. However, I don't want to be like that, but like I said, I have no idea where to start in changing that. For me, the easiest way to talk about what I'm feeling is through this blog. It allows me to articulate my thoughts and feelings as well as putting something out there that maybe I'm not really doing as great as what I appear to be. I also want to clarify, that when I post these chatty things about how I'm feeling, it's not aimed at anyone in particular, it isn't for attention and it isn't for sympathy. For me, it's just what makes me feel better.
I don't want this post to all be super sad for me to write, or for you to read so I'm going to share a few things that I hope to do over the next few months. My main aim is to document this on my blog as I really think that this is perhaps one of the best opportunities I've got to improve and reach out.
In an ideal world, I would like to get a job but right now, I have applied for hundreds and have got nothing so I'm just going to give it time and keep trying, so that hopefully something will come my way very soon. Sort of linked to that, I'm hopefully going to start volunteering over the summer with a charity that I am so super excited about because I love the work they do. If all goes well, then you will definitely be hearing about it within the next few weeks.
In a few weeks now, I am also turning seventeen which is super exicting as that means I will be learning to drive. Although I'm nervous, I am so excited try something new, something unlike anything I've done before, and hopefully, if and when I pass, I will have more exciting plans and opportunities.
Spending time with close friends and family is definitely my main aim of the summer. I guess I kind of want to make up for lost time and make some amazing memories but I also want to be super spontaneous and just have a really memorable summer. I've definitely got a few ideas in mind and hopefully they'll all go to plan.
If you've got this far then I am super impressed and also grateful. Thank you for sticking around and finger crossed, things are looking up from here.
Grace xx
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