There have been so many posts I have wanted to write about my own thoughts, feelings and fears but they have all never felt right to post about. They either seem too sad/ dramatic or they are just a big load of babble. However, I am on this journey and I still want to share how I am really feeling. I find it really easy to just shake it off and say that I'm okay, even though more often than not that's a lie, but I thought that I would just have a bit of a conversation with myself in this post just talking about how I really feel.
I'm definitely not okay, some days are worse than others, but I am have really good days. I find it difficult to determine when I wake up in the morning, how the rest of the day is going to turn out. Things change, people change, but my mentality has probably changed the most recently or at least, I have only just started noticing how much it has changed.
Right now, I have never been more paranoid. Everything I do, everything someone else does, I question it, I look at the positive outcome of it, but then I switch and imagine the worst possible scenario. I overthink it in my head until that thought almost acts as a reality. Sometimes I can push it away to the back of my head and forget about it, but others, I send myself into a spiral because of it.
I'm currently finding it really hard to trust people, whether it's something they tell me or something I tell them, I can never guarantee that they will keep it, and sometimes, I can't trust myself that I can keep it. I'd like to think that I'm trust-worthy but I know people who would like to debate that. I mainly don't trust myself though, I second guess my every move and I don't trust that things will happen the way they suppose to.
Saying all of that though, I am doing better than what I was at the end of 2018. The end of 2018 was the lowest my mentality had ever been and although, some days, I feel like I am leading myself back into that place, I somehow manage to get up and tackle it better than I did months ago.
I still have more bad days than I do good days but right now, I am more hopeful than I have ever been because things will get better. I am surrounded by people thriving, people feeling better than they have ever been, people pushing themseleves to the best of their ability, and I know I am not them and that I am falling behind in terms of progress, but right now, I'm trying to see that for what it is.
Right now, I am scared I am going to be left behind. I have been scared for months but now that I am starting to feel a physical distance between myself and others but it is almost as if it is out of my control. It could quite well be my fault and I just don't know it, but I also don't know how I am going to fix it so I am just going to wait it out and see what happens.
I always feel like I am out of control, it is probably why I can't trust myself, but currently, I'm trying to put myself in fate, even though I have never really been much of a believer.
Today, February 10th, I have had what feels like a revelation. I feel motivated to change my attitudes and to better myself. Starting now, I am going to free myself of my most negative thoughts. I am going to try and be nicer, to myself and to others. I want to get better but I mainly want to be happier and right now, I sort of feel like I need it.
I want my blog to be less like a 'blog' and to be more like my diary. You could say it sounds cheesy but I am so lost at the moment, I think I need this. I am going to try and write posts as often as I can but the day I right them, will be the day I post them and the time at which I finish writing them, will be the time at which I post them. They might still well be blog posts about books or makeup or fashion, but you'll probably be seeing lots of updates and rambling posts too. I don't think I'll promote as much on my social medias because I want this to be for me.
Grace xx
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