I am a (nearly) seventeen-year-old female, I've been through high school, been through my awkward phases and to say the least, I have dealt with a lot of insecurities even at a young age, both internal and external. What I wanted to touch upon today are those external insecurities which most of the time, you cannot control. I'm not really sure where this post is going to end up but I'm just going to take you through my story a little as well as some advice and wisdom to share.
When I started high school, I was already developing puberty like many others and one thing that comes with that is spots, blemishes, zits, whatever you want to call them. Apart from my weight (another day), this is the first major external insecurity of mine, my skin. Something that is both within my control yet not within my control. Being 11 years old and surrounded by a wide range of girls, many of who hadn't started their period, many having already been through the phase I was facing, I felt quite isolated in my insecurity but at this point, it was fairly mild and something I was quite good at forgetting about.
It was not until year 8/9 where my skin and what was becoming acne, began to really bother me. Growing up during the rise of social media meant that I was seeing what I now know where 'perfect' lives of all the people I admired, from celebrities to my friends. This was also the time when I was introduced to makeup and although at times it was a creative outlet, other times it was a chore and an essential part in my morning routine. By mid-year 9, I was wearing makeup every day to school, it would consist of concealer, powder, blusher, mascara and eye shadow. Sometimes, I would love putting makeup on in the morning, trying out a new palette or mascara would be exciting to me, however, other times, I couldn't think of anything worse than putting makeup on, but because I depended on it, I felt like I had to. This dependence on makeup really intensified my insecurities because anytime I'd see myself without makeup, I would just think 'yikes, I look so much better with makeup' and that really paved the way for an unhealthy relationship I had with my appearance.
Throughout this time, in terms of acne, it was fully unpredictable but I always had blemishes, discolouration and redness. It was at this point also where my parents were getting concerned about my acne just because of how inflamed it looked at times and how I was constantly breaking out. Now that I look back, I am making the assumption that it wasn't just my hormones. I've never had a great diet and particularly when I was 13/14, I would binge eat food that was really bad for me to help me cope with other things that were going on, which I also think was a massive part of this journey. Also, through the increasing interest in makeup, I then began to experiment with skincare and because I didn't know much about it at the time, I also think that played a big part in how unpredictable my skin was.
By year 10, I had tried most types of acne cream and one of the last options to try was the contraceptive pill. I understand that this is a bit of a controversial one for some people and in no way am I encouraging it, but personally, for me, it has worked very well and still does. I did go on the pill when I was fourteen but giving it around six months, it began to work and I found my acne being less irritable and there was less of it as well. Something I also think I should add here as well is that I got really bad acne across my back and chest, it wasn't just my face so that was the main reason I was trying loads of different medications, but because my face was always on show, that was where I was most insecure. Being on the pill offered me a new sense of hope, I began to notice a difference and I started to wear makeup less, so this was where I started to feel happy in my skin. It wasn't like I never had spots ever again because trust me, I did and I still so, but I found a new way of dealing with it, ignoring them.
Throughout year 11, the amount of makeup I wore was minimal across the whole year, mainly out of other distractions such as exams but also out of pure laziness. I wanted the extra fifteen minutes in bed over the full face of makeup and it is safe to say I still have that mentality now.
As for where I am now, my skin isn't perfect and although I'm on the pill, I still get spots through stress, bad eating, lack of water, hormones, just like everyone else, yet I feel like I have created a much healthier relationship with my skin and the way I feel in it. There has been a massive shift in the way I view my appearance over the last year I'd say. I was forced to accept the way I looked as I didn't really have the time to put on makeup in exam season nor could I be bothered to and so I just accepted the way I looked. It sounds so easy saying it now and it's not like I think I look great every day, nope, I still have my insecure days, but I feel like I have become much better at just accepting the inevitability that is my appearance.
I'd be lying if I said there isn't anything I'd change about the way I look, particularly in my face. Sure, I wish I had cheekbones, I wish my forehead didn't have loads of texture, I wish I didn't have freckles, the list goes on. However, at the end of the day, I can't really be bothered doing anything about it so I'm just accepting it.
Please let me know if any of you have had a similar story to myself and if you feel like you are going through feeling insecure in the way you look then please feel free to message me and we could just have a little chat. It is definitely not an easy thing to deal with but it is a very normal thing to deal with and I hope I have shown that in this post. I bet I have missed out loads of useful information but this was the way my brain decided to say it, so hopefully, you took something from it.
Grace xx
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